reflections on year 1

I think all of the first year of medical school has been rather anticlimactic. I expected horrendous studying, constant exhaustion, total burnout.

Instead, I learned a lot about myself. I've learned an awful lot about accepting the imperfection of all things. I think what I hated most about this first year is the sheer impossibility, it seemed, of really learning anything well. When I studied enough to nail the histology, I did rather more poorly in anatomy, and vice versa. If I concentrated on physiology, I would end up ignoring the anatomy. If I bothered to do radiology, I could waste hours on it that I should have spent on anatomy.

I would say in retrospect it was hard. The hardest thing I've had to learn is how to prioritize my studies, when to move on from a topic and when to stick to a hard question and really learn it. I feel in many ways that I'm able to move at the right speed now, but I'm not really retaining much, not really learning much. I easily get caught in minutiae, but without it, I feel like everything is too vague.

I really liked being back in school, but I feel as if the heart has been taken out of me on the last few tests. I didn't do very well on a couple and I'll be honest, at this moment I'm tired and discouraged. Disappointed in myself. It wasn't so much that I didn't study enough, it was that I didn't study what was most important.

I think the worst of it is, there are only a few things that I think I'll actually retain from this year. In college I felt pretty satisfied with what I learned. Here in medical school, I have been dissatisfied with my performance academically.

But I'll be honest, I think I'm a better person for it. Seriously. I'm a better human being for putting my relationships and friendships first. At this point it is not so much about studying more, but about studying smarter, more effectively, and more efficiently. I'm not as effective, energetic, or efficient as I was then. But I would say I've learned to be a kinder person, a better communicator, and more open to others.

That's the most important thing. My priorities have changed, and because they have, I need to learn a new study strategy that will allow me to maximize my study time, to come back to the performance I expect of myself academically. I just need to do the best I can do, and be satisfied with that. It's hard, though.