price of knowledge

I just don't want to lose my humanity and empathy in becoming a scientist, or even just the process of doing some experiments.  I've had pet rats and know how intelligent, affectionate, sweet and personable they were - really good childhood memories.  In my head, I lower a dark screen and wall off all those feelings and thoughts, memories and emotions brought up by seeing the mice; I must refuse to extend my empathy to the mouse and refuse to ask, "What is this mouse feeling?"  (In fact, nothing at all - it just goes to sleep, and that is that, which is actually comforting.)  While that detachment is necessary, what I find frightening is that I can do these things that I find incredibly distasteful despite the roiling emotional disquiet it causes.  It makes me wonder what I am capable of and makes me believe what many have written: the distance between "good" and "bad" people isn't far at all, given the right circumstances.

So I will give myself a moment to grieve the loss of those little flickers of life, a little of my innocence, and the days where I could let my thoughts wander freely and wonder, "What are you thinking?  What are you feeling?  How are you experiencing the world?" without fearing it will cause me pain.  Those questions are essential lenses through which I see the world, and to lose that ability would be worse than the pain caused by thinking about the answers.