lost

I feel rather lost right now because I don't know what I want to do for residency.  When I finished medicine, I felt that surge of confidence.  I passed the shelf!  I performed CPR (and the patient survived)!  I even got a few ABGs (arterial blood gas draws)!  I can give a medical history!

Now in OB-GYN: I love delivering babies!  I love stitching and doing surgery!  Robots!    The patients are asleep!  Yay, women's health!

When I finished peds: examining babies!  The newborn exam!  I get to carry toys to entertain children!


And other days it's more like: "Why on earth would anyone pick this for a job?  Are all these people crazy?  Are the patients crazy!"

Medicine: what we are doing is crazy and why are we doing this?
Peds: why so many colds?  No, you have a virus and you'll just have to wait to feel better.
OB-GYN: You mean another hysterectomy (uterus removal)?


On Sunday, I said for the first time ever in the entire MD/PhD program: "I regret this.  I wish I hadn't done the MD/PhD."  I don't think I wish that.  I wish I hadn't said that, but the sentiment was genuine.  I'm getting antsy about finishing.  I look forward to being done.  I want to have weekends and vacations, but instead, all I'm looking forward to is slaving away in residency...

(I write as I'm trying to stay up all night to switch my clock for night shift next week...)