I do not know what it would be like to move forward. I am not ready to move forward from grief because I have never had time to grieve at all, only move. Perhaps it is time to go backwards a bit to introspection and examine what it was that just happened last year. I am not sure. I don't know that anyone was. History will judge us - more precisely, historians will judge us and shape how some future humans see our choices. Will students one day look at me like I looked at my attending physicians - in awe, as if they were superheroes, treating patients dying from HIV? Will the grief of the moment fade into professional acclaim? Will it shape my research forever? Will I ever relinquish the mask? Will I ever get over that compulsive need to have an N95 in my pocket as reassurance?
I think there will be a time to move forward, but not fully this moment.
With modeling sometimes I wonder if future generations will look at us I like looked at the other nations' priests doing divination, trying to find meaning and pathways in an uncertain future by controlling what they could control, or at least trying to know what came next. Did those Hebrew kings consult their diviners the way the politicians consult their experts, or did the rich control the agenda?
What if I am one of the rich people?
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