#MeToo

Yes, #MeToo.

When I look back at how harassment (an incident/incidents) crippled me throughout the MD/PhD program, it makes me really sad.  I felt I never reached the level of accomplishment I had as an undergraduate, where perhaps nothing that serious had ever gone wrong.

I have felt like I was limping so much throughout most of medical and graduate school, trying to deal with the fallout of that time.  I spent so much time blaming myself, wondering what I could have done differently.  I struggled to concentrate on my studies, blew through a lot of exams, and uncharacteristically for me, just kind of stopped caring very much about school work.  I felt I would have pursued my dream graduate project with more confidence, have spoken out for myself more, would have learned more in my classes about mathematics rather than just spent so much time being sad/angry/confused/anxious/confused/sad/angry...

* * * 

Now I know better.  I know it wasn't my fault.  I know I could have sought support and help.

But people like my harasser deliberately sought out people that were naive.  (Years later, I met another of the individuals he had harassed, and she was still terrified that he was stalking her.)

I finally got to the point where I was ready to report the incident, but the people around me discouraged it.  I was terrified.  I didn't know how the process worked.  I thought that the school would overreact.

It turns out, they underreacted.

* * *

I was so scared of pursuing it because I was scared of retribution. I was scared of how it would affect my medical school career, because letters of recommendation and favors and class approvals went through the same individuals.

I reported the incident(s), but the case was handled unbelievably badly and unprofessionally.

There were tremendous barriers to reporting what happened, and the investigation went badly, and the followup went nowhere.  The school ignored my complaint and refused to investigate.  I feel incredibly vindicated with seeing people speak out against abusive men - and in seeing that I wasn't crazy - the barriers to recognizing abuse and reporting it are real.

* * *

But I am here.  I survived, no thanks to the administration.  I pivoted in my goals to, perhaps, something better than I would have imagined originally.  I am still okay, and I have moved beyond the actual fears for my physical safety, to thinking about those incidents every day, to never thinking about what happened at all.

I hope that with some quietness and uneventful time, I can really fulfill my potential.  Not much thanks to any of them.